Throughout this entire semester, I've been learning to fight the feeling that everyone else is doing something better and that I'm not good enough.
When I was presenting my end-of semester Mechatronics project, for example, I made my Kinetic Art project. I loved everything about my project: the music input was fun to work with, the visual output was fun and creative, and I loved the idea of making it a portable device to easily take wherever you want. There's always that hope that you are making something different and unique, but I know that in a large group, ideas are bound to be multiplied. Therefore, I was not that surprised or disappointed to hear that other people had the same project idea. The hard part was to see how much the class loved everyone else's Sound-Syncing Lights but mine.
When I saw how much the other project got more interest, love and attention than mine, how much more elaborate it was than mine, how much more she had to work with than me, etc. And I was happy for her; the attention to the idea was positive, which just means the idea is awesome and could work in my favor. What made me a lot sadder was how insecure seeing that made me feel about my own abilities. I started to think "my project is garbage compared to that" and "I wish I had never done this prompt" and "everyone's projects are so much better." I started to rethink everything I do, and why I didn't do everything differently. If I had just quit this and this and did that...
It's hard to get past those feelings when society, as well as some of the other spaces you involve yourself in, constantly reinforce the message that you will always be mediocre. I'm used to having others invalidate my experiences and feelings for whatever reasons. But I'm not so used to internalizing those messages.
What does it even mean to be good enough? Does it mean that I have to be at and above everyone's pace? Does it mean I hop to everyone else's beat? Does it mean that I have to elevate myself above my socio-economic status to do what everyone else does and fit in? What does it mean?
You know what? I'm finding that meaning. I'm gonna get myself there like I always do. I'm gonna push to build bigger, better and bolder. I have projects I want to finish, and projects I want to start. And they are going to be amazing.